I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
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Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Every time my phone rings
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.