wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
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I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
me working on my assignments ^-^
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.