My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
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Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
🤣
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard