My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
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JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
The Struggle
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Holy shit he’s back
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Cashiers are always checking me out
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.