My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
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Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Fidel Castro was alive?
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Based Erika
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges