@ajax06: My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn't believe in reincarnation either".
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@caliluvgirl77: I'll never rob a store because I don't want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
@causticbob: Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue? Are aliens their primary customers?
@internetluke: [at dinner party] Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant. Vegan: I'm vegan
@OfficialMizGin: Annoying guy trying to hit on me: This is like a scene from a romantic movie. Me: Yeah, I’m the iceberg and you’re the Titanic. #Queen