My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
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My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Not all heroes wear capes…
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY