It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
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must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”