My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
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Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Krampus.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.