My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
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Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
2023 was just a warmup
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.