My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
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I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit