@theshamingofjay: My favorite yoga pose is "try to cut the toenail"
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@shkeeber: Friend: What happened? 15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses. Friend: What happened? 37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
@Cryptoterra: it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying "pasta la vista, baby" to people. why would you put that on a resume
@MarlonBrandNO: [date] "don't let her know ur from twitter" Her: whats wrong? Me: This fork only has 3 prongs Her: So? Me: it should be called a threek