explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
You Might Also Like
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.