My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
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The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
no one likes gloating
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.