@Carbosly: My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
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@MatCro: [break-in] BURGLAR: [cracks safe] COP: Not so fast, kiddo BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
@KentWGraham: After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
@laurajennyjo: *knock knock* Go away I'm not home "I can hear you" I can hear you too..go away "I brought food" What kind of food
@shegotagronk: Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she's in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now.