My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
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Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Simple
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison