Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
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If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”