My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
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Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
.. do you even science?
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Covid like
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve