My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
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i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.