Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
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“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
May have had one breakfast too many
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*