@Spaziotwat: My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
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@Parentpains: "I don't understand the value in seeing a therapist." - People who haven't spent time with me yet.
@UtilityLimb: some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we're too far away to hear his answer]
@AndrewChamings: [sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
@GrabTheWEness: *posts Social Security number on social media* *hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*