@Spaziotwat: My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
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@squirrel74wkgn: [at movie theatre] Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh Son: ... Daughter: ... Me (whispers): ...it
@CoolCamel69: *pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview* Nexft queffstun pleeazse "Umm. Your biggest weakness?" Panfccakes
@flashember: "Alex is visiting later tonight." Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing? [From the moon] It's not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.