Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
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Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
“No way.” -Jose
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*