My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
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My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
A classic…
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take