My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
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I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.