Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

peak technology

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.