@nonsensetwit: My fear of spiders happened when I went to hit one with a newspaper, and it looked at me and did pushups saying "try again bro."
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@Reverend_Scott: Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch? Oscar: Growing up, my parents were- *stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle* CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
@heidi420x: if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people's phones.
@CYComedy: My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.
@audipenny: A snake is what happens when a string goes "what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head"