Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
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I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
why no one uses midhusbands
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.