@1followernodad: My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I'm the town doctor.
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@JiminyKicksIt: I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it 'cuz it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
@geowizzacist: *Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break* *Takes kid to pub* *Bumps into wife at pub*
@DaddyJew: 7: I failed my test Me: you tried your best 7: I got distracted by a dog outside and rushed everything Me: happens to the best of us
@PhilJamesson: Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password? Me: oh shi-- [Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]