My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
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So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
🤣🤣