@1followernodad: My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I'm the town doctor.
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@TheTweetOfGod: Don't take this the wrong way, but you're all horrible sinners and you're going to hell.
@P1ssed_K1d: You know what a cubicle basically says? It says 'We don't think you're smart enough for an office,but we don't want you to look at anybody.'
@POOPSCRUFFIN4U: Church is the worst book club ever. We've been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven't even read it
@Breadery: *Approaches girl at bar* Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes! Me: You have lovely hairy eyes Brain: My bad.