My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
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Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time