“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
You Might Also Like
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
this makes me so uncomfortable
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age