Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
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*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.