My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
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[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.