My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
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my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Me too door. Me too.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
New Tinder profile.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I am patiently waiting for your email
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
cyclists
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok