@YoungFunE: My financial situation is so bad, I'M being sponsored by a child in Africa
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@squirrel74wkgn: [at a party] *taps wife's shoulder* I've looked everywhere...where are all the swings? (wife pulls away from kissing Bob) "What?"
@squirrel74wkgn: [on a date] Her: *sneezes* Me: God- Her: *sneezes* Thank you Me: -dammit, what's taking the food so long?
@mommy_cusses: *takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree* Okay, now give that back to mommy and don't touch another one, okay?
@IrishVin: Me: Can I buy that chandelier? Store guy: Of course. Are you putting it up yourself? Me: No, I'm hanging it from the ceiling.