@YoungFunE: My financial situation is so bad, I'M being sponsored by a child in Africa
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@E_lok44: Coyotes are dangerous, stay away. If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Apparently "cool story, bro" is not an acceptable substitute for "congratulations" when your friend calls and tells you she's pregnant.
@ShittyComedian: When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn't have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.