@YoungFunE: My financial situation is so bad, I'M being sponsored by a child in Africa
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@_davidlucas_: *Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter* Her: Did you want to buy that? Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
@djdarrellripley: Me: Go to school! 9yr Old: It's Sunday. Me: Go to church! 9yr Old: I'm Jewish. Me: Convert!
@chrissyteigen: Does the baby have access to my ribs? It feels like they're bars and she's an old timey prisoner with a tin mug