[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
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waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*