[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
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[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
i’m sure it’s fine
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.