My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
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She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Rooting for the overdog
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*