@shutupmikeginn: [my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
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@QwertyJones3: "My brother's coming over for dinner." Ugh, is he still talking only in country names? *brother walks in* "Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?"
@Marcmywords2: Hey Dad, The airport called, if you don't turn down your TV, they're filing a complaint.
@Manda_like_wine: Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
@Reverend_Scott: [blind date] (don't let her know ur a dog walker) "So what do u do?" Well, I'm like a- [13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]