[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
You Might Also Like
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
This is I, Robot all over again
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
“Wait, let me explain..”
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it