[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
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I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more