SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
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Bringing home a sharpie
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
he chose this
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Going into Monday like
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?