[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
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Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.