[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
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*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong