[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
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Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”