{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
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It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Flock of bats
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you