{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
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me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.