[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
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Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Festive toon…
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower