[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
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All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
this country is so goddamn polarized
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.