Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
You Might Also Like
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Sign at work today
This tweet has been deleted
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life