[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
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If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.