[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
You Might Also Like
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
you gotta be faster
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Poetry is my passion
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Called it
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]