My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
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Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Trying
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”