My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
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I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I falcon love using swear birds
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague