@omgthatspunny: My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
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@badbanana: My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It's one part rum, three parts pum.
@ValeeGrrl: Me: [in bathroom] 7yo: [knocks] MOMMY? Me: Yeah pal 7: IT'S ME Me: I know 7: YOUR SON Me: Knew that too
@thestlouisan: My grandpa slept in snow in the Battle of the Bulge & I'm considering throwing out this cup of water bc it has some tiny floaty things in it
@13spencer: An Italian rugby player will miss a match against Scotland after being bitten by a dog; Scotland was quoted as saying "good boy."