@omgthatspunny: My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
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@daemonic3: [interview] "Any special talents?" I can unlock any fingerprint reader "By hacking?" [flashes back to hacking off victims' fingers] Yes
@iGreenMonk: Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Me: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
@Chumpstring: SON: can I yell bomb at the airport DAD: no SON: I can yell boom DAD: boom's ok SON: how about "my mom's a lesbian now" DAD: please don't
@TheCatWhisprer: Based on her reaction I don't think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.