@omgthatspunny: My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
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@KyleMcDowell86: told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
@OhNoSheTwitnt: No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
@truegritrumble: KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn't real. ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.