@omgthatspunny: My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
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@sammyrhodes: Every time I lose a sock I like to imagine it went to set one of Dobby's house elf friends free.
@murrman5: since you're having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight "because of nausea?" no, because you're a gremlin
@DanielRCarrillo: If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
@JimGaffigan: "Hey you know how everyone's favorite part of the sandwich is the meat, let's add an extra slice of bread?" - Inventor of club sandwich