@omgthatspunny: My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
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@Sanbel11: Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can't sit through my daughter's violin recital without a desire to die.
@Lisa_Laughs_: My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
@GorillaNipples1: *looking contemplative* Wife: What are you thinking about? Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob- Wife: Don’t. Me: Wife: Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
@StarWarsProblms: Leia: You owe child support. Han: What? I'm in hyperspace. Leia: You're standing right here Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*